Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
Dear Courage Coach,
I’m not sure what to do. My team is in constant conflict. There’s just so much complaining and finger pointing. If I had wanted to deal with this drama, I would have taught kindergarten!
I want to be supportive and show that I care, but I don’t want to keep getting sucked into issues they should be able to resolve themselves.
What should I do?
Signed,
Tired of the Drama
Dear TOTD,
I hear you. Team conflict can be exhausting. And, I’m glad you wrote. How you handle team conflicts will make a huge difference in your team’s productivity and your credibility as a leader.
The four dimensions of productive conflict conversations will come in handy here — connecting to show you care, and connecting to what’s actually happening; getting clear on a shared understanding of success (and clear that you don’t want drama); getting curious about how you might be helpful; and then moving to a clear commitment of next steps.
Start by gathering information.
Powerful Phrases to Gather Information
Here are a few of my favorite phrases to help a team in conflict from our book, "Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Workplace Conflict."
“What do you want me to know?” (connection)
Asking this question is a great way to draw out what is most meaningful to the person who brought you the issue. I find when I ask this question, the person begins to self-select the most salient information, with more facts and less emotion.
“How might I help here?” (connection)
The power of this question is that it quickly reveals whether the other person just wants to vent or has a real problem. It also helps you understand how they perceive the problem.
“Should the three or more of us talk together?” (connection)
This question is helpful in those situations where you suspect their end goal is something other than solving the problem (like undermining a colleague or kissing up to you). For people who complain and want to dump their problems on you, it helps maintain mutual responsibility.
After you ask these three questions, you will probably have enough information to diagnose the situation.
Here are the most common types of team conflict.
- The person just needs to vent and get frustration off their chest.
- There’s a misunderstanding.
- One party is unresponsive or sees priorities differently.
- People are working toward different goals.
- There’s a style or personality conflict.
- You discover toxic behavior.
“What I’m hearing is .… What have I missed? And, what would you add?” (clarity)
This checks for understanding to summarize what you’ve heard and ensure you've heard everyone’s voice.
Once you’ve gathered information, it’s time to respond.
Related Podcast: The Good Side of Workplace Conflict
Powerful Phrases to Support Your Team in Conflict
Here are a few powerful phrases to move to action.
“That sounds ______(insert emotion). Is there something I can do to help?” (curiosity)
If the person needs to vent, use a second reflect-to-connect and check to see if there’s something else they need that will help them feel heard and get them back to their work.
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“We are approaching this with different values and styles. Let’s see what we can learn from one another and build a way forward.” (commitment)
Many team conflicts originate in different perspectives, values, personalities and styles. When your team has different values or methods that cause conflicts, it’s a valuable opportunity to learn how to communicate and leverage one another’s perspectives.
You can facilitate this conversation yourself or bring a third party to help your team learn how to navigate these differences and build remarkable results. There are many instruments to use depending on your needs — examples include MBTI, DiSC, Enneagram and TKI Conflict Mode Assessment. (Note: you can watch my interview with Ralph Kilmann, co-founder of the TKI here).
For this scenario, the most important action is to have a discussion.
Team conflict can be productive — and certainly shouldn’t consume you with other people’s drama. You will energize your team and maintain productivity when you acknowledge their emotions, ask key questions, create an appropriate path forward, and (always!) schedule the finish with a clear time to check in to see how the resolution is working.
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