Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
____________________________________________________________________________
Dear Courage Coach,
There's this guy at work who is so mean and grumpy. The thing is, he gets the job done. And he's wicked smart. He’s got more experience than anyone else, and from time to time he’s helpful — but he’s just so cranky and mean.
I don't think he realizes how he's making us feel. And honestly, it's taking down the morale of the whole team. I want to say something to him, but I'm afraid of how he might react. I don’t want to poke the bear, but I’d love to get him to stop growling.
Signed, Afraid of the Growl
Dear AOTG,
Ah, dealing with a bear in the workplace — a unique creature who's great at foraging through spreadsheets but leaves a trail of tension everywhere it roams. It's like sharing the woods with a grizzly who knows all the best fishing spots but growls every time you come near. Good on you for recognizing that this isn't a solitary bear issue; it's an ecosystem problem affecting the whole forest, aka your team.
Related Article: How to Stop One Person From Dominating Virtual Meetings
Powerful Questions to Ask Yourself
Here are a few questions to help you summon the courage for this important conversation.
1. What Do I Want to Happen Because of What I Say?
You might want to say all the things, but it’s helpful to start with a specific intention. Consider what you want him to think, feel or do because of your conversation. Are you trying to turn this grizzly into Baloo from The Jungle Book or just help him be a bit nicer in your meetings? Think of this as setting the GPS coordinates for your brave bear-whispering conversation.
2. Why Does What I Have to Say Matter?
You're not just defending your picnic basket here; you're making the forest a safer place for all. Gain courage and confidence in that “why.” Consider why this conversation matters for you, him, the team, and the quality of the work you’re doing.
You might even find it helpful to make a list of these whys — just to ground yourself in that bigger impact.
3. What's Preventing Me From Saying It?
This is where you get in touch with your own fears and the story you’re telling yourself about what might happen.
Are you concerned about “last times?” Are you worried about the relationship? Understanding what’s holding you back can help form your message. What’s really the worst that could happen?
4. What's at Stake if I Stay Silent?
In our courageous leadership programs, we’ll often ask participants to talk about one of their most “courageous moments” at work. You know what’s interesting? In many cases, people tell us, “Well it didn’t feel particularly courageous at the time. It was just something I had to do.”
Those are people who understand the consequences of “safe silence.”
Dr. Amy Edmondson, who is considered the pioneer of psychological safety, often talks about how people are more likely to discount the future benefits of speaking up and overweight their current fears. When you ask yourself this powerful question, you consider the future and the risks of staying silent.
5. What's the Worst That Can Happen Here?
Realistically, what’s the worst outcome? The bear swats you into a tree? Emotionally maybe, but you'll climb down eventually. Considering the worst thing that can happen, is a great way to find a bit more courage for this important conversation.
In our recent research on workplace conflict, we asked over 5000 people in 46 countries to think about a significant workplace conflict, and what they would do differently if faced with this conflict again. Fifty-five percent said, “stay calm.”
One of the best ways to stay calm when dealing with this meanie, is to realize that his growl is worse than his bite.
Powerful Phrases to Start the Conversation
So, you’ve connected with your intention. Now let’s give you a few ways to start this important conversation. Here are three powerful phrases that will work well.
Conference
Oct
20
Gartner IT Symposium/Xpo Orlando 2025
Register
Conference
Oct
27
Gartner HR Symposium/Xpo Orlando 2025
Register
1. 'I’m Observing a Repeated Pattern Where [Insert Specific Observations] … and I’m Wondering .…'
People are often blind to their patterns. “Sure, I was growly this morning, but I’m not that way every day, am I?” When you can give specific examples, you can help him see his behavior like you see it, and perhaps make a different decision about how he shows up.
The INSPIRE technique I’ve shared in this column before will work great in this scenario. Share what you’ve N-Noticed with S-Supporting examples, and then P-Probe to get curious about what’s going on.
2. 'This Is What It’s Like to Be Me in This Situation.'
Imagine saying to the bear, "When you growl and keep everyone out of the beehive, I get no honey, Mr. Bear. How do you think that feels?" This shares your perspective in a way that the bear can’t ignore. Make it concrete. If there are measurable impacts on your well-being or productivity, share those. People often underestimate the ripple effects of their behavior until it's spelled out.
This phrase gives you an opportunity to calmly and objectively share how you’re feeling.
3. 'How Can I Help?'
This powerful phrase is simple but effective.
Expect a wide range of responses and be prepared to act on them. Your "Grumpy Bear" coworker might just say "Nothing, thanks," but they might also present an opportunity for team improvement you hadn't considered.
Just remember, even the grumpiest of bears can change their ways when approached wisely. You’ve got this! Drop me a line and let me know how it goes.
Learn how you can join our contributor community.
