Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
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Dear Courage Coach,
I’m working in a fast-growing tech company and we’re all under a lot of pressure to perform fast. The stress is real. The good news is we’re all good people who are passionate about our vision and the work we do. We genuinely like each other.
Unfortunately, all that caring leads to a lot of heated conversations that can get out of hand. Sometimes people lose their cool and get downright mean.
Our founding team is used to it, but as we grow, I’m not sure it’s all that healthy for our culture. I just had a new hire tell me he doesn’t need all this drama in his life. I’m afraid he’s going to leave.
I’d love your ideas on how to stay cool when emotions run hot. What tips do you have to de-escalate an emotional conversation?
Signed,
Searching for a Better Way
Dear Searching,
First, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing important work with people who care.
Knowing that fact should help give you some courage for this important conversation. Also consider what’s at stake if you stay silent — for you, for your mission and for your relationships with one another.
One of the biggest regrets we heard in our World Workplace Conflict and Collaboration Research was that people wished they had talked about their concerns sooner. I have to imagine you’re not the only one feeling this way. Let’s make this conversation a bit easier.
Here are a few ways to start the conversation.
“I love how passionate we are about our work. Sometimes the way we talk to one another gets harsh. For example, (insert specific examples here). I’m curious what we could do to keep the passion without all the drama. Can we set up time to talk about that and perhaps put some ground rules in place?”
or:
“I care deeply about this team and the work that we do, and I’m getting concerned about how we talk to one another when we get fired up. I think we can do better. Can we talk about ways we can talk candidly AND civilly?”
Related Article: Courage Coach: How Do I Deal with a Grouchy Coworker?
Powerful Phrases to Calm Down a Contentious Conversation
Next, let’s give you and your team some Powerful Phrases to use when emotions run hot. You can start with 12 G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) Powerful Phrases that work well to de-escalate any conflict. And then, explore these de-escalation gems.
You can share these with your team and reflect on which might be useful in the future. You might even talk about a few of your past conflicts and consider which of these phrases could have helped.
“I noticed that… what’s happening for you?”
When emotions run hot, one option is to observe what’s happening. When you calmly call attention to someone’s behavior and ask, “What’s happening for you?,” it helps them take a breath and choose a different approach. For example, you might say, “I notice that you’re standing up and yelling. What’s going on for you right now?”
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How about a timeout?”
Sometimes you’ll need to call a timeout and give everyone time to calm down. Sometimes, when trust is very low, you might need to bring a third party or an advocate the other person trusts into the conversation to help moderate. A pause is a powerful way to de-escalate an emotional conversation.
“You’re right…”
Another powerful way to de-escalate an emotional conversation is to agree with the person. This is most helpful when someone feels disrespected. If they say something like “That’s not what’s happening. You don’t understand!” You can respond calmly, with “You’re right. I don’t understand. Can you walk me through what happened so I can understand?”
“Please correct me where I’m wrong. Here’s what I’m hearing so far.”
When you say “Please correct me where I’m wrong…,” you show humility.
This helps the other person know that you really are interested in what they have to say. Once you’ve summarized, give them a chance to correct your understanding, and then summarize again. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation or feelings. You’re acknowledging what they think and feel. Unless the other person has serious conflict management skills, you won’t have a meaningful conversation until they feel heard.
“I appreciate you sharing that with me.”
This powerful phrase works best when someone has shared a difficult perspective—something that they expect you won’t like. You’re not agreeing or disagreeing. Rather, you’re honoring their effort at communicating. It can also be a good way to pause an ongoing conversation, so you have time to think about their perspective.
“I apologize.”
When you’ve genuinely made a mistake, hurt someone, or broken your word, nothing helps more than a genuine apology. Being vulnerable and strong enough to take responsibility when you’ve screwed up is a straightforward way to de-escalate an emotional conversation.
Of course, your body language and tone of voice are vital as well. It’s hard for the other person to stay escalated and angry when you come from a genuinely calm and collaborative place.
The goal here is to give you and your team some conversation starters for more collaborative, connected conversations, particularly when stress is running hot. By using these strategies, you can help steer conversations towards a more constructive and less emotionally charged direction, preserving the camaraderie and passion that make your team so strong.
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