Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
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Dear Courage Coach,
I’ve been following your Courage Coach column for a while now, and it’s great how you give people words to use in tricky conflict conversations. For me, the problem is a bit different. I’m pretty good at figuring out what I SHOULD say. I just don’t say it. In fact, I pretty much avoid workplace conflict at all costs.
Of course, when I don’t speak up, I don’t get what I need. And since I never advocate for myself, I pretty much let things happen to me. If someone steals my idea, I just stay quiet. If a co-worker doesn’t do their fair share on a project, I just stay late and get it done.
Quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of getting taken advantage of. I’m starting to resent a few of my co-workers who dump on me. I know that’s not fair, because I haven’t given them a chance to change their behavior. I think they’d be surprised at how I feel.
How do I find the courage to speak up and ask for what I need?
Signed,
A Professional Conflict Avoider
Dear APCA,
I hear you, and you’re not alone. When we asked 5000 people around the world about what advice they would give themselves if they were faced with a past workplace conflict again, 21% said they would talk about it or address it sooner.
It can be tempting to avoid a difficult conversation at work. After all, it takes energy to initiate it, and you can’t predict exactly how it will go. That’s why so many people go for the diaper genie and wrap the conversation in so much self-protection that what they’re talking about has very little to do with what they really want to say. If you can’t smell a workplace conflict, you can’t solve it.
Sure, sometimes it just feels easier to pretend everything’s good, avoid the negativity, keep the conversation light and wait until you get home to vent to your dog.
And, as you point out, much is lost when you can’t talk about what needs to be said. The good news is that you know something needs to change, and it sounds like you’re ready to try something new.
So, let’s give you some ways to find the courage you need using five powerful questions from our new book, Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Workplace Conflict.
5 Questions to Ask Yourself to Stop Avoiding a Workplace Conflict and Ask for What You Need
The best way to gain the confidence to address a future workplace conflict is to have some success. Having these conversations is easier once you’ve had a few of them go well. In fact, when we ask participants in our Courageous Communication workshops how they feel after having had the conversation, the number one word they use is “relieved.”
To start, think about a specific conversation you’ve been avoiding. One that matters, but involves an issue that feels solvable. The credit-stealing incident, or the coworker who’s not doing their fair share are good candidates.
Now, I want you to ask yourself these five questions.
1. “What do I want to happen because of what I say?”
This one might seem obvious, but dealing with conflict can be messy. You might want to say all the things. It’s helpful to start with why. When summoning the courage to have the conversation you’d rather avoid, one of the best things you can do is know specifically what you are looking to accomplish.
Get clear on your intention. Consider what you want the other person to think, feel or do because of your conversation.
Got that? Okay, now let’s move on to question number two.
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2. “Why does what I have to say matter?”
In addition to “what,” another important question is “why?”
Bernard Meltzer hosted a popular radio call-in show called “What’s Your Problem?” He summarized his advice this way: “Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, kind, necessary and helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”
That’s a good filter as you consider whether to address the conflict. If what you have to say is true, kind, necessary and helpful, then it matters.
It sounds to me like you’ve got some good reasons. Connect with those “whys.”
3. “What’s preventing me from saying it?”
This is where you get in touch with your own fears and the story you’re telling yourself about what might happen.
Are you concerned about “last times?” Are you worried about the relationship? Understanding what’s holding you back can help form your message for your courageous conversation.
Courage Coach: How Do I Stay Cool When Emotions Run Hot at Work?
4. “What’s at stake if I stay silent?”
Actor Martin Sheen once shared a poignant Irish tale to emphasize that standing up for what you believe sometimes comes at a cost — but that it’s worth it:
A man arrives at the gates of heaven and asks to be let in. St. Peter says, “Of course, just show us your scars.”
The man says, “I have no scars”.
St. Peter replies, “What a pity. Was there nothing worth fighting for?”
When you’re nervous about starting the conversation, consider the long view. Are you the kind of person who cares enough to try?
5. “What’s the worst that can happen here?”
This question can be strangely empowering. One of my clients, a US Marine veteran, is fond of saying, “When I get too stressed about a workplace conflict, I just remember, no one is shooting at me.”
The worst that can happen is usually nowhere near as bad as your imagination suggests.
Finding the courage to address a conflict can be tricky, but when you connect with yourself first, you’ll save everyone from future headaches and heartaches.
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