Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
Dear Courage Coach,
I love my work, but my boss is impossible. One minute, they’re supportive and inspiring — the next, they explode over the smallest thing. The whole team walks on eggshells, never knowing which version of them will show up. How do I survive this emotional rollercoaster without losing my mind (or my job)?
Sincerely, On Edge
Dear On Edge,
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s tricky to navigate a boss whose emotions are as unpredictable as a thunderstorm in the desert. One minute, it’s clear skies, and the next, you’re scrambling for cover. I’ve coached countless professionals who struggle with managing up when their leader’s moods shift without warning.
You might be tempted to keep your head down and just ride it out, hoping for a better day. But here’s the thing: silence doesn’t solve anything, it just stretches out the stress. When you ignore a problem, it doesn’t go away. Rather, it lingers, taking up mental and emotional space that could be spent on work that energizes you.
That’s why courage is key here. Not reckless courage, but thoughtful, strategic courage — the kind that helps you reclaim your sense of control and confidence at work. Let’s start with a few important questions:
1. Why Does What You Have to Say Matter?
Before you even consider approaching your boss, ask yourself:
- What’s the real issue here? Is it just their moodiness, or is their behavior impacting your ability to do your job well?
- How is this situation affecting you emotionally, mentally and professionally?
- If this pattern continues, how might it impact your career in the long-run?
The fact that you feel constantly on edge at work is a signal that something needs to shift. Your work should challenge you in a good way, not leave you in fight-or-flight mode every time your boss walks into the room.
📌 Powerful Phrase to Yourself: “I deserve to work in an environment where I can focus on doing my best — not one where I have to decode someone else’s emotions all day.”
2. What’s at Stake If You Stay Silent?
Think about what happens if you never address the issue. Will things magically improve? Probably not. In fact, they’ll likely get worse.
- Your confidence may take a hit. Constantly filtering yourself and avoiding difficult conversations can make you doubt your instincts.
- You may miss opportunities. If you’re too focused on avoiding their bad moods, you may hesitate to step up for exciting projects or advocate for your ideas.
- The team will stay stuck. If everyone is tiptoeing around your boss, you’re not alone in your frustration — but someone has to go first in making a change.
Staying silent isn’t the easier path, it’s just the one that guarantees nothing will change.
📌 Powerful Phrase to Yourself: “If I don’t speak up, I am choosing this situation exactly as it is.”
3. Imagine You’ve Had the Conversation … Now What?
Picture this: You’ve spoken up, and your boss listens. Maybe they weren’t fully aware of how their mood swings affect the team. Maybe they acknowledge your concerns and suggest ways to communicate better going forward.
How do you feel? Relieved? Empowered? Respected?
Even if the conversation doesn’t completely fix the situation, just being heard can be a game-changer. It shifts you from feeling powerless to being proactive. And if they don’t respond well, at least you’ll know where you stand — giving you clarity on your next steps.
📌 Powerful Phrase to Yourself: “I can’t control how they respond, but I can control how I show up.”
How to Start the Conversation (Without Starting a Fire)
Once you’re ready to address the issue, timing and tone are everything. Here’s how to approach it in a way that makes your boss more likely to listen rather than shut down:
Acknowledge Their Emotions (Without Absorbing Them)
When your boss is in a bad mood, it’s tempting to avoid them completely. But sometimes, the quickest way through the storm is to acknowledge it.
📌 Powerful Phrases to Validate Without Fueling the Fire:
- “I can see this is a stressful situation. I want to be as helpful as possible — what’s the best way for me to support you right now?”
- “I know this is an important project, and I can tell there’s a lot at stake. I want to make sure I’m on the same page with you. Can we talk about how I can best contribute?”
This approach helps de-escalate tension while also making it clear that you’re invested in solutions, not just avoiding their moods.
Call Out the Pattern — At the Right Time
Bringing up their mood swings mid-explosion? Bad idea.
Bringing it up during a calmer moment, framed around productivity and communication? Much better.
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📌 Powerful Phrase to Call Out the Pattern:
“I’ve noticed that when we’re up against tight deadlines, it can be tough to have productive conversations. I want to make sure I’m bringing things to you at the best time — when would that be?”
This keeps the focus on productivity rather than personality, which makes your boss less likely to get defensive.
Set Boundaries (Without Being Disrespectful)
If your boss is especially reactive, it’s fair to let them know what you need to work effectively — without turning the conversation into a confrontation.
📌 Powerful Phrases for Boundaries:
- “I work best when I have clear direction. If something isn’t working, I want to fix it, so can we agree on a way to discuss issues without last-minute pressure?”
- “I respect your passion for getting things right. I also want to make sure I can focus on solutions rather than feeling overwhelmed. How can we best balance that?”
Boundaries aren’t about demanding someone change — they’re about communicating your needs clearly and constructively.
If Things Don’t Improve … Then What?
Even with all the right conversations and best intentions, some bosses won’t change. If the toxic pattern continues despite your efforts, it might be time to ask yourself a different question:
"Is this the kind of workplace I want to stay in?"
Sometimes, the bravest decision isn’t just speaking up — it’s knowing when to walk away. A job that constantly drains your energy isn’t worth your peace of mind.
📌 Powerful Phrase to Yourself: “I owe it to myself to work somewhere that values both my skills and my well-being.”
Final Thought: Courage Over Fear
Having a tough conversation with a moody, unpredictable boss is never easy. But remember: this isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about creating a work environment where you can thrive.
The fact that you’re thinking about this means you already have the courage to take the next step. Trust that.
You’ve got this. 💪
With courage,
The Courage Coach
📩 Got a workplace dilemma? Send your question to The Courage Coach!
Editor's Note: Catch up on more advice from the Courage Coach:
- How Do I Stop Avoiding Workplace Conflict? — Courage Coach Karin Hurt delivers advice for human-centered leaders. Today:Much is lost when you can’t talk about what needs to be said.
- How to Inspire Better Team Accountability — Courage Coach Karin Hurt delivers advice for human-centered leaders. Today: How to introduce team accountability when no one is following through.
- How to Motivate an Exhausted Team — Courage Coach Karin Hurt delivers advice for human-centered leaders. Today: How to help an exhausted team reclaim their energy.
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