Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
Dear Courage Coach,
I just got promoted to lead a new team, and I’m convinced they don’t like me. They LOVED the last guy, so they’re not boss-haters. But I’m not feeling the love.
What’s frustrating is I know I’m a good leader! I’ve always had great results and relationships with my previous teams. I’d go far as to say I’m a “human-centered leader.” But I’m human too, and this feels like too much work. What should I do?
Signed, Dissed by my Team.
Dear Dissed,
Let’s get the obvious out of the way: leadership is not about being liked. But it sucks to go to work longing for a deeper human connection and not finding it. Even Roy Kent and Simon Cowell care what people think (to some degree). Plus, everything’s going to be a lot easier if you have your team’s trust and respect.
Let’s start with this courageous question: Why don’t they like you?
I’m thinking about the handful of managers I had over the years who were real bullies or who seemed to lack a moral compass. Those folks had deeper issues and probably needed a therapist more than a courage coach.
That doesn’t sound at all like what’s going on with you, but I had to ask. Make sure the stress and pressures of the new role aren’t letting any toxic courage-crushing behaviors come through.
3 Reasons Your Team Might Not Like You (and How to Gain Respect)
Now, let’s look at a few reasons your team might not like you, and what to do about it.
1. You haven’t spent enough time making a human connection
One of the biggest mistakes I see new managers make, is failing to take the time to really get to know the individuals on their new team one person at a time. In my last Courage Coach column, we talked about the challenges of scaling human connection. That might be a helpful read. If you’re a manager of managers, focus on building trust and connection with your direct reports, before investing in a lot of skip-level connection.
This will take time. Start with the team members you think are the easiest to win over, and then move on to the most challenging. Show up both interested and interesting.
Hold great one-on-ones. Get to know what they care about outside of work and make it easy for them to learn something about you too. I love what Brené Brown says, “People are hard to hate close up.”
2. They underestimate the value you bring
At one point in my career I was certain that my team didn’t like me.
I had been promoted to lead a 2200-person retail sales team at Verizon. The problem was I had zero sales experience. Thirteen out of 14 of my direct reports were men. And, 14 out of 14 had been in retail sales for their entire careers. I’d spent most of my career up to that point in human-resources and call center roles.
One guy on the team, “Greg” was an absolute rock star and was the obvious successor for that role. No one on the team could believe that this “HR chick” had been “given” this job over Greg. “It was probably a diversity move.”
But here’s the long story short. I showed up in the stores on Sundays (and other times no one wanted to be at work) and rolled up my sleeves to really get to know the team and their approach.
I asked lots of questions and really listened. That gave me the confidence to establish a strong vision and leverage the skills that had helped me earn that role — rallying a large team to execute a turnaround plan on their most important priorities.
The team won the President’s Award for customer growth that year. One important way to gain the respect of your team is to help them win.
Related Article: Courage Coach: How to Keep 'Work From Anywhere' From Becoming a Zoo
3. You’re holding them accountable for the very first time (stay the course!)
It can be quite a shocker to an underperforming team when a new manager comes in and holds them accountable.
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If you sense that your team doesn’t like you because you’ve raised the bar, or are holding them accountable to meet expectations, check your style. Make sure you’re focused on both results AND relationships. If you’re holding people accountable in a human-centered way, stay the course.
It might be rocky for a minute, but most people really do want to work on a winning team. You might lose a few slackers who will continue to think you’re a jerk, but you will build respect with the rest of your team, not to mention get the results you need.
Leadership is not about being liked. But respect matters, if you want to have influence and impact. It starts with understanding what’s causing the breakdown and then building a deliberate plan to gain their respect.
You’ve got this! Drop me a line and let me know how it goes.
Have a question for the courage coach? Have you faced a similar challenge? Drop me a line!
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