Editorial
“This is a great proposal! We’ll get back to you by the end of the week.”
And then despite a gentle follow-up email, it’s crickets.
“I can’t tell you how much I have loved working with you. Let’s keep the conversation going."
And yet, when you suggest a quick catch-up call, you hear nothing back.
“I’m so grateful for the work you did for us. I’d do almost anything for you.”
Except, apparently, to respond to texts and emails suggesting lunch or a cup of coffee.
There are so many ways I have been ghosted, and I’ll bet you have, too. The term is thought to have originated by those whose prospective online dates have suddenly vanished into the ether. But for this article, I’ll define ghosting as the practice of ignoring or severing a business relationship by suddenly withdrawing from all communication, usually with no explanation or apology. Deleting an unsolicited email from a stranger isn’t ghosting, but failing to respond to repeated entreaties from a colleague, client or long-time vendor is.
Ghosting behavior seems to be more prevalent in a virtual world, and for some, has become predictably commonplace. When asked for examples of ghosting, one client replied: “People generally seem to have such terrible manners, particularly in a virtual world, that this concept of ghosting is just one more example.”
I think she’s onto something: With more of our communications mediated by some kind of technology, it’s easier to drop out of sight without having to observe how the other person feels when they’re left dangling.
This led me to wonder: What makes someone decide that it’s okay to simply cease all communications, especially after a long-standing relationship? Have they themselves been ghosted so many times that they consider such behavior as “normal?” Or are they simply without empathy? And when we are on the receiving end of being ghosted, what messages are we internalizing ? And what recourse do we have, if anything?
One thing we can probably all agree on: No one likes to be on the receiving end of ghosting, and those who acknowledge our own ghosting tendencies are probably not especially proud of our behavior.
The Dynamics of Ghosting
Ghosting is easy. It’s certainly easier than having that tough conversation about why a relationship has outlived its usefulness for us, for whatever reason. Rather than facing up to an awkward or painful conversation, some people find simply deleting messages or voicemails to be a less messy alternative than having to deal with disappointment and hurt feelings. If we don’t see the impact, it’s not real to us. (If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear….)
Empathy seems harder to come by. When most communications take place from a distance, whether via phone, text, Teams, Slack, email, etc., it can be harder to cultivate empathy, making it easier to shut the door on a relationship that no longer serves us.
My friend Sheila, a local retail business owner, shared this experience: “I recently had an employee disappear. He was on vacation and was scheduled to return while I was on vacation. We corresponded via text to confirm he would be coming in to work the next Sunday morning. He contacted me on the Saturday before his shift to say he wasn’t feeling well, but would ‘definitely be there on Monday morning.’ He didn’t show up for work on Monday, and never heard from him again. By then, I realized he no longer wanted his position, but he wouldn’t come right out and quit, either.”
Rather than considering the impact on Sheila, the rest of the staff, his clients or his professional reputation, he found it easier to simply disappear.
Precedence has been set. If you’ve ever been interviewed for a job or assignment that you’ve been led to believe you’d be perfect for, and then never heard back from the HR rep or the hiring manager, you’ve been ghosted. If you’re a hiring manager who extends an offer to a prospective employee, and then never gets a response back from the candidate, you, too, have been ghosted. Such behavior has become so commonplace that it’s become expected and even somehow acceptable. Why? Perhaps it’s because so many people have come to view interactions as transactions to be processed as efficiently as possible, rather than relationships to be cultivated, especially in a virtual world.
Related Article: Ghosting Your Job Candidates? Here's What It Says About Your Company
Tips for Ghosters and Ghostees
Beware the serial ghosters, like that person who repeatedly asks for time on your calendar, spurring several back-and-forth emails. Then when you email to confirm for the next day, you hear….nothing. And on the appointed day/time, they’re still nowhere to be found. A few hours or even a couple of days later, you may get a half-hearted apology about how “crazy busy” they’ve been, asking to reschedule. Against your better judgment, you agree, and then hear nothing back, until a few months later when they reach out yet again, with no apparent recollection about their lapses last time.
Resist the temptation to ghost them in return, and instead, be the better person and call or email to let them know why you’re choosing to pass up the opportunity to schedule time with them this time. This could be a teachable moment.
Acknowledge your ghosting behavior. Sure, we all get super busy, and some of us don’t do a great job of managing our time, our inbox or our priorities. But rather than feeling guilty about ignoring yet another email from someone who clearly values your relationship, take a few seconds to respond, explaining the reasons for your silence.
If you’ve been juggling a million things, say so, and let them know when you expect to come up again for air. If you’re not intending to go further with a job candidate or vendor, do them a kindness and let them know, gently and unambiguously. If you’ve ghosted someone, acknowledge it and apologize without expecting anything in return. An unadorned apology can go a long way toward mending the damage.
Understand that ghosting can come back to haunt you. Whether it’s intentional or not, ghosting someone can leave a negative perception that can hurt your career later on. A peer you ghosted 10 years ago could be your boss in the future. Or a vendor you ghosted a few years ago could be a decision-maker you’re trying to win over today. It’s a small world, made ever smaller by thousands of connections we create almost effortlessly, thanks in part to the proliferation of our digital footprints.
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Decide how (or whether) to contact those who ghost on you. This is easier said than done, since you have no idea why this person has cut you off, and you don’t know whether their lack of communication was intentional. If it was, then chances are your next email or call may go unanswered, too. If your usual mode of communication has been email, try a different mode, like phone or a private LinkedIn message.
I’ve resorted to email subject lines that call for some kind of answer, like: Should I put this on the back burner for now? Or, Is everything okay? And sometimes we just need to let time pass, or simply walk away, which is not a very satisfying conclusion to a relationship that took time to build. But sometimes it’s our only option.
Few of us enjoy having those difficult conversations where we must let the other person know that it’s time to end the relationship, for whatever reason. Even though it may seem easier to simply cut someone off, you’ll feel much better about yourself if you summon up the courage, pick up the phone, and express your intentions, along with your rationale, making sure to acknowledge the impact the loss of relationship will have on the other person. It can take far less time than an email or a text, with much better outcomes for both of you.
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