Editorial
Welcome to Courage Coach, where expert columnist Karin Hurt answers readers' tough leadership challenges with practical tools and techniques you can use right away. Have a question for her? Drop her a line!
Dear Courage Coach,
How do you deal with a passive-aggressive knucklehead at work? I pride myself on getting along with co-workers. I'm a team player, and I can look the other way about a lot. But this guy ... well, his two-faced games are too much. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Fed Up with Mr. Snark
Dear Fed Up,
I feel for you! There’s nothing more maddening than someone playing the passive-aggressive game. It’s like they’re tossing little emotional grenades wrapped in sugar, and you’re left thinking, “Did that really just happen?”
First, don’t stoop to his level. Which would be easy to do since passive-aggressive behavior is so contagious. It’s easy to slip into a cycle of eye rolls, sarcastic quips or even worse, passive-aggressiveness of your own. Don't take the bait! If you start playing that game, it’s a lose-lose, and you’ll end up looking like the jerk. You deserve better than that.
So, let’s talk strategy for keeping your cool when they’re throwing shade.
1. Know the Signs
It’s all too familiar: the thinly veiled sarcasm, the “compliments” that don’t feel like compliments, or those “Oh, I totally forgot!” slip-ups that always seem to cause you problems. Veiled hostility can catch you off guard. Picture this: “Oh, must be great to have it all figured out,” they say. Before you can respond, they’re gone, leaving you to wonder if it was a genuine comment or something a little more sinister.
2. Don’t Call Them Passive-Aggressive
Resist the urge to call them out directly. “You’re being passive-aggressive!” never goes over well. Trust me, it’ll only make them defensive or spark a passive-aggressive showdown. Instead, breathe, stay calm and respond like the rockstar team player you are.
Related Article: Why 'Brilliant Jerks' Are Costing Your Bottom Line, and What to Do
3. Powerful Phrases to Stay on Track
Here are a few Powerful Phrases from our new book, Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Workplace Conflict that will help (you can grab a few free chapters here).
When your passive-aggressive co-worker is doing their thing, these phrases can help keep the conversation productive — and keep you from losing your cool.
“I noticed that …”
Start by neutrally stating what happened. You’re not attacking; you’re just describing facts. Here are a few examples:
- “I noticed during the meeting you mentioned, ‘It must be nice to be the favorite.’”
- “I noticed in your presentation you highlighted one of our successes but skipped over the other three.”
- “I’ve noticed you cc: our manager on all emails to me, and I’m curious about what’s going on there.”
These phrases shine a light on the behavior without adding fuel to the fire. And if your co-worker isn’t totally entrenched in their passive-aggressive ways, this could be enough for them to dial it back.
“What I hear you saying is …”
This one is a game-changer. Instead of reacting to their snarky tone or veiled insult, respond to what they’re really feeling underneath. For example:
- “What I hear you saying is that you feel like I’m getting more opportunities than you are. Is that right?”
If you say this calmly and sincerely, you might get a real conversation going. Who knows? Maybe they’re frustrated and don’t know how to express it (shocker). By addressing the actual issue, you might diffuse the tension.
“How can I help?”
Yes, really. Offer to help. If they open up about what’s bugging them, see if there’s something you can do. Maybe they’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to ask for support. Or maybe they just need a little acknowledgment. Either way, offering to help can turn the situation around — or at least get them to leave you alone for a while.
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4. Focus on the Work
When your passive-aggressive co-worker fails to deliver on their promises or throws out excuses, stay focused on the facts.
- “Here’s what we agreed to do.” — Remind everyone of the commitments, keeping it professional and clear.
- “This is what I’ve done/what the data shows.” — Stick to the facts when they try to spin the story their way. No need to get defensive, just calmly point out the truth and let the evidence speak for itself.
Related Article: When the Workforce and Jerkforce Collide
5. When You Need Backup
If none of these work and you’re still dealing with Mr. Snark, it’s time to ask for help from a third party. But do it with humility. Go to your manager or HR and say something like:
- “I’m committed to the team and making this work, but my co-worker’s behavior is affecting my ability to do my job. I’ve tried addressing it, but it continues. I could use your help.”
When you approach the situation calmly and with a focus on improving things for the team, it shows you’re being proactive — not just complaining.
Final Thoughts
Look, it’s not your job to change this person (even though I know you’d like to!). But using these phrases can help keep you out of their passive-aggressive trap. With some patience and strategy, you might just turn that passive-aggressive co-worker into someone a little easier to work with — or at least someone who no longer drives you completely up the wall.
You’ve got this.
Courage Coach
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